Recently I have been struggling with confidence. Now, even though I know that God thinks I’m beautiful. I just don’t know that myself. My boyfriend(who is an amazing man inside and out) constantly reminds me of how beautiful he thinks i am. But I can’t bring myself to believe the same thing.
It’s almost like I’m a seahorse trying to pull an anchor from the bottom the ocean. I wake up and hate everything about myself. I’ve never been the type of person to want to put a ton of effort into how I look. I’d much rather sleep.
But as the days go on and I wear makeup or curl my hair I get compliments from people telling me how beautiful I look. Or that I should keep wearing makeup or keep doing my hair. But sometimes I feel like…
“Why can’t they see me as beautiful without the enhancements of makeup or a curling iron? Why is me with natural hair and a clean face not good enough?”
I walk around and interact with other people who love makeup and doing their hair and they look so beautiful; but more importantly they look so confident. So each morning begrudgingly I go to the mirror and apply the mixes of powders, creams, liners, and mascara and hope that I’ll start to like myself. I spend money on these products hoping I’ll look like the people I think are beautiful and not like myself.
I try and contour my cheeks to give me a sharp and defined jawline, but despite my efforts I end up with more powder on my face because having dark skin makes finding a bronzer quite difficult. After I’ve fiddled with countless products, I’ll try the hairstyles that others are wearing only to walk away with tangles and frustration because most times long curly hair doesn’t cooperate. And in all honesty I come home after the day and don’t feel any better about myself.
The constant anxiety I feel about how I look is so draining. I hate the way my body looks I feel like I’m fat compared to all the other people around me. But I have no energy or motivation to better myself. I want to go to the gym. I want to wake up and not feel exhausted. I want one day– just one of feeling like a normal person.
And if I’m coming forward and being completely vulnerable some days I don’t even want to wake up. I feel like I’m a paper clip stuck between two magnets that have been rolled in graphite. So even if by the grace of God I get an ounce a bit of space the graphite comes flooding in and fills that space before I get a chance to move. I feel like I’m trapped in a never ending maze of wanting to be pretty. I just want to find the exit to the maze.
But everyday I try to remind myself that even the most beautiful flowers come from a seed in the dirt.
Even on cloudy days, flowers still bloom.