I feel like every person has felt the feeling of disappointment. The expectations you had. The wanting the desires. The excitement. All for it to be taken away.
As I grow older the amount of friends I surround myself has began to dwindle. Not because I’m a mean person or have become a pretentious jerk. But because I’ve gotten tired of pouring my time and effort into people and relationships when that person wouldn’t do the same for me.
Growing up I had three best girlfriends. And I remember I dated one of their brothers(not my brightest moment). One day I was scrolling through Twitter after having gone through every other social media and I read a tweet about me that said “maybe you’d still have friends if you didn’t always ditch them for your boyfriend.” And when I read that I was heart broken. I didn’t think I had been ditching them, I had felt like they didn’t want me around because they never invited me. I felt hopeless and frustrated and like I was doing everything wrong. When in reality I didn’t feel like they understood how much effort and time you had to put in a relationship. Well as much of high school relationships go, that guy and I broke up. And we tried to remain friends but there were so many arguments and I always ended up feeling used and like I was the parasite in his life causing all the wrong. Well after a long year of trying we called it quits and we haven’t really talked much since then. Not that I regret the decision to cut things off. But I had poured 2+ years of my life into a friendship that proved to be fruitless.
Then about a year ago my other half who just happened to be another one of my three best friends started to change. And we began to drift apart unfortunately. I expected her to grow with me the way we always had and she decided she was ready to experience life in a different way. We had been friends for 8 years and gone through every milestone together; elementary school promotion, middle school graduation, high school graduation, and even our first semester of college. We were inseparable. But then drugs and alcohol became her main focus. She started ditching me to get drunk or high with other friends. Or miss our plans because she was too hungover. And I started to feel like I had lost a part of myself. I know it’s not right to have expectations for people but it’s so hard when you see all of their potential and it’s slowly going to waste. This time I wasn’t disappointed in her though. I was disappointed in myself because I felt like I had put too much pressure on her to be like me and that wasn’t fair to her. I felt like I had stifled who she was and now she was doing everything should could to prove she was nothing like me or the person I thought she was. She was this new person with new thoughts, ideas, and likings. And I was forced to accept that.
Now a year later I’m going through a new type of disappointment. It’s similar to the first story but I’m in the position of having a friend who’s always with her boyfriend. It’s definitely an eye opener as to how I may have acted. And it truly blows.
For the past two months I’ve been trying to make plans with a friend of mine and each time i bring up something to do its “okay! Just let me check and get back to you!” And that would be fine and dandy; except there’s never any getting back to me. It always comes down to the last second as she cancels. It’s hard to feel the bitter taste of disappointment because everything inside you cringes and you feel an entire mix of emotions in seconds.
As life goes on we will continue to be disappointed because not everything can live up to the expectations we place. But as we pick ourselves up and go through life’s foul-tasting trials we must remember that;
Even on cloudy days, sugar’s still sweet.