I know what you’re thinking… EW!
Lately I have been thrown into the ring with change and unfortunately at the moment I feel as though I am “down for the count.”
In the fall I made a lot changes in my life. I moved across the country to go to university, I moved in with my boyfriend(who is still amazing inside and out), I got a new job, I left the church I grew up in, I stopped therapy, I quit dancing, I left my family and friends, I basically uprooted my life of familiarity and replanted myself in the middle of white water rapids.
I feel like I am constantly being knocked down, and just trying my best to stay afloat, even though the water continues to rise higher and higher.
I know that change is inescapable, but I also feel like I’m drowning and I just miss the way things used to be. I want my old life back.
I want my family.
I want my friends.
I want my church.
I want to be dancing.
I want my familiarity.
i feel alone.
I can be in a room surrounded by other people and still feel like I am on another planet.
How is it that I can be in a room full of people and still full so alone? Seeing everyone around me interacting yet feeling invisible. Wanting someone to notice me and strike up a conversation. But knowing that if they did I wouldn’t know what to say.
But then there’s the flip side,
The side of the coin where I’m actually alone, and at this moment I can’t decide which is worse…
Being alone or feeling alone. Going unrecognized and unseen, blending in with the rest of society, and feeling like I’m dressed in shadows.
I recently went to dinner with coworkers to celebrate our greatest month in the history of our business! Something so exciting and monumental. But, I couldn’t help but feel out of place. After about 20 minutes of conversation I felt overwhelmed and exhausted. I didn’t really talk much, I just interjected from time to time. I felt like the odd one out. They were all so close and I felt like I was not enough like them. I went home that night and cried because I was so frustrated that I was so different. That I continue to subconsciously alienate myself, when I become overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like my anxiety holds me back. I am constantly worried, overwhelmed, afraid, or drained. I didn’t ask to have anxiety. I didn’t ask to be so picky or finicky. But yet these are the cards I was dealt, and I’ve somehow got to make it work, because I am not me without those cards.
On another note I have been in this new place for 8 months and I still don’t have any friends. No one to go and get coffee, go see a movie, or even just have a sleepover. I love my boyfriend to bits, but I don’t want him to be my only friend, and there’s something different about having girl friends to talk to. I have amazing friends back home, but at a certain point FaceTime and texting is just not enough.
I have begun to think that the problem may be me. Ever since I was little I’ve never been good at making friends. Once someone is actually my friend, and we are passed the awkward beginning stages of friendship, I would consider myself a pretty darn good friend. But, it’s getting someone to give me the chance and sticking around long enough to see that I can be a really good friend, that has proven to be difficult. I tend to fail at the stage where you are supposed to open up and be vulnerable(It seems to take me longer than most.) But I also find myself to be picky, not judgmental, but p.i.c.k.y.
People say you become the people you surround yourself with, and if that’s the case, then I only want to surround myself with the BEST. I want to grow with my friends, and build them up, as the build me up. I want to pour time and energy into them to help the reach their goals and become better, I don’t just want to be a good time. I want quality over quantity, but I am beginning to think that my pickiness has caused me to rule out too many people.
In this season, I want to try more. I want to grow, and progress, and be a better version of myself.
To grow I have to be stretched, the only way something can be molded into something better, is for it to be changed from it’s current state.
Coal into Diamonds.
Ore into Gold.
Paint into Portraits.
Seeds into Flowers.
Past into Future.
Old Me into New Me.
Newness is a good thing, and I will look forward to possibilities, and look at them as opportunities, instead of obstacles.
Change may be ugly, but it is necessary.
I will choose to stay positive, have hope, and endure what is thrown in my direction. I will not drown. I will stay afloat.
Even on cloudy days, rivers still flow.