Even On Cloudy Days, Rivers Still Flow

Change

I know what you’re thinking… EW!

Lately I have been thrown into the ring with change and unfortunately at the moment I feel as though I am “down for the count.”


In the fall I made a lot changes in my life. I moved across the country to go to university, I moved in with my boyfriend(who is still amazing inside and out), I got a new job, I left the church I grew up in, I stopped therapy, I quit dancing, I left my family and friends,  I basically uprooted my life of familiarity and replanted myself in the middle of white water rapids.

I feel like I am constantly being knocked down, and just trying my best to stay afloat, even though the water continues to rise higher and higher.

I know that change is inescapable, but I also feel like I’m drowning and I just miss the way things used to be. I want my old life back.

I want my family.

I want my friends.

I want my church.

I want to be dancing.

I want my familiarity.


i feel alone.

I can be in a room surrounded by other people and still feel like I am on another planet.

How is it that I can be in a room full of people and still full so alone? Seeing everyone around me interacting yet feeling invisible. Wanting someone to notice me and strike up a conversation. But knowing that if they did I wouldn’t know what to say.

But then there’s the flip side,

The side of the coin where I’m actually alone, and at this moment I can’t decide which is worse

Being alone or feeling alone. Going unrecognized and unseen, blending in with the rest of society, and feeling like I’m dressed in shadows.

I recently went to dinner with coworkers to celebrate our greatest month in the history of our business! Something so exciting and monumental. But, I couldn’t help but feel out of place. After about 20 minutes of conversation I felt overwhelmed and exhausted. I didn’t really talk much, I just interjected from time to time. I felt like the odd one out. They were all so close and I felt like I was not enough like them. I went home that night and cried because I was so frustrated that I was so different. That I continue to subconsciously  alienate myself, when I become overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like my anxiety holds me back. I am constantly worried, overwhelmed, afraid, or drained. I didn’t ask to have anxiety. I didn’t ask to be so picky or finicky.  But yet these are the cards I was dealt, and I’ve somehow got to make it work, because I am not me without those cards.

On another note I have been in this new place for 8 months and I still don’t have any friends. No one to go and get coffee, go see a movie, or even just have a sleepover. I love my boyfriend to bits, but I don’t want him to be my only friend, and there’s something different about having girl friends to talk to. I have amazing friends back home, but at a certain point FaceTime and texting is just not enough.

I have begun to think that the problem may be me. Ever since I was little I’ve never been good at making friends. Once someone is actually my friend, and we are passed the awkward beginning stages of friendship, I would consider myself a pretty darn good friend. But, it’s getting someone to give me the chance and sticking around long enough to see that I can be a really good friend, that has proven to be difficult. I tend to fail at the stage where you are supposed to open up and be vulnerable(It seems to take me longer than most.) But I also find myself to be picky, not judgmental, but p.i.c.k.y. 

People say you become the people you surround yourself with, and if that’s the case, then I only want to surround myself with the BEST. I want to grow with my friends, and build them up, as the build me up. I want to pour time and energy into them to help the reach their goals and become better, I don’t just want to be a good time. I want quality over quantity, but I am beginning to think that my pickiness has caused me to rule out too many people.


NEW BEGINNINGS

In this season, I want to try more. I want to grow, and progress, and be a better version of myself.

To grow I have to be stretched, the only way something can be molded into something better, is for it to be changed from it’s current state.

Coal into Diamonds.

Ore into Gold.

Paint into Portraits.

Seeds into Flowers.

Past into Future.

Old Me into New Me.

FullSizeRender


 But…

Newness is a good thing, and I will look forward to possibilities, and look at them as opportunities, instead of obstacles.

Change may be ugly, but it is necessary.

 I will choose to stay positive, have hope, and endure what is thrown in my direction. I will not drown. I will stay afloat.

Because…

Even on cloudy days, rivers still flow.

water water

 

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Even On Cloudy Days, Raindrops Still Fall

Am I doing what I love or am I chasing raindrops 

Million 100 and 80 thousand

 raindrops can fall in a second. 

Each one like a like a piece of confetti that has been shot from a cannon in the sky. 

     ~Each one a different persons dream~

They stick their tongues out hoping to catching a taste of their success 

Their desires beating out of their chest

This raindrop when pulled apart is the very oxygen they breathe 

The hydrogen being the part they need to bond with the dream they so desperately try to acquire. 

But in an unfair twist of events those dreams fall to the concrete

Each fallen dream cleans the slate and prepares the world for new life to grow. 

But as we run to a fro hoping to catch this drop of water to quench our thirst

We realize that’s not the thing that hurts. 

We stand in that moment and know that we are building our success on the shattered pieces of someone else’s fallen dreams. 
Because…

Even in cloudy days, raindrops still fall

Even On Cloudy Days, Sugar’s Still Sweet

I feel like every person has felt the feeling of disappointment. The expectations you had. The wanting the desires. The excitement. All for it to be taken away. 

As I grow older the amount of friends I surround myself has began to dwindle. Not because I’m a mean person or have become a pretentious jerk. But because I’ve gotten tired of pouring my time and effort into people and relationships when that person wouldn’t do the same for me. 

Growing up I had three best girlfriends. And I remember I dated one of their brothers(not my brightest moment). One day I was scrolling through Twitter after having gone through every other social media and I read a tweet about me that said “maybe you’d still have friends if you didn’t always ditch them for your boyfriend.” And when I read that I was heart broken. I didn’t think I had been ditching them, I had felt like they didn’t want me around because they never invited me. I felt hopeless and frustrated and like I was doing everything wrong. When in reality I didn’t feel like they understood how much effort and time you had to put in a relationship. Well as much of high school relationships go, that guy and I broke up. And we tried to remain friends but there were so many arguments and I always ended up feeling used and like I was the parasite in his life causing all the wrong. Well after a long year of trying we called it quits and we haven’t really talked much since then. Not that I regret the decision to cut things off. But I had poured 2+ years of my life into a friendship that proved to be fruitless. 

Then about a year ago my other half who just happened to be another one of my three best friends started to change. And we began to drift apart unfortunately. I expected her to grow with me the way we always had and she decided she was ready to experience life in a different way. We had been friends for 8 years and gone through every milestone together; elementary school promotion, middle school graduation, high school graduation, and even our first semester of college. We were inseparable. But then drugs and alcohol became her main focus. She started ditching me to get drunk or high with other friends. Or miss our plans because she was too hungover. And I started to feel like I had lost a part of myself. I know it’s not right to have expectations for people but it’s so hard when you see all of their potential and it’s slowly going to waste. This time I wasn’t disappointed in her though. I was disappointed in myself because I felt like I had put too much pressure on her to be like me and that wasn’t fair to her. I felt like I had stifled who she was and now she was doing everything should could to prove she was nothing like me or the person I thought she was. She was this new person with new thoughts, ideas, and likings. And I was forced to accept that. 

Now a year later I’m going through a new type of disappointment. It’s similar to the first story but I’m in the position of having a friend who’s always with her boyfriend. It’s definitely an eye opener as to how I may have acted. And it truly blows. 

For the past two months I’ve been trying to make plans with a friend of mine and each time i bring up something to do its “okay! Just let me check and get back to you!” And that would be fine and dandy; except there’s never any getting back to me. It always comes down to the last second as she cancels. It’s hard to feel the bitter taste of disappointment because everything inside you cringes and you feel an entire mix of emotions in seconds. 

As life goes on we will continue to be disappointed because not everything can live up to the expectations we place. But as we pick ourselves up and go through life’s foul-tasting trials we must remember that;
Even on cloudy days, sugar’s still sweet

   
 

Even On Cloudy Days, Flowers Still Bloom

Recently I have been struggling with confidence. Now, even though I know that God thinks I’m beautiful. I just don’t know that myself. My boyfriend(who is an amazing man inside and out) constantly reminds me of how beautiful he thinks i am. But I can’t bring myself to believe the same thing.

It’s almost like I’m a seahorse trying to pull an anchor from the bottom the ocean. I wake up and hate everything about myself. I’ve never been the type of person to want to put a ton of effort into how I look. I’d much rather sleep.

But as the days go on and I wear makeup or curl my hair I get compliments from people telling me how beautiful I look. Or that I should keep wearing makeup or keep doing my hair. But sometimes I feel like…

“Why can’t they see me as beautiful without the enhancements of makeup or a curling iron? Why is me with natural hair and a clean face not good enough?”

I walk around and interact with other people who love makeup and doing their hair and they look so beautiful; but more importantly they look so confident. So each morning begrudgingly I go to the mirror and apply the mixes of powders, creams, liners, and mascara and hope that I’ll start to like myself. I spend money on these products hoping I’ll look like the people I think are beautiful and not like myself. 

I try and contour my cheeks to give me a sharp and defined jawline, but despite my efforts I end up with more powder on my face because having dark skin makes finding a bronzer quite difficult. After I’ve fiddled with countless products, I’ll try the hairstyles that others are wearing only to walk away with tangles and frustration because most times long curly hair doesn’t cooperate. And in all honesty I come home after the day and don’t feel any better about myself.

The constant anxiety I feel about how I look is so draining. I hate the way my body looks I feel like I’m fat compared to all the other people around me. But I have no energy or motivation to better myself. I want to go to the gym. I want to wake up and not feel exhausted. I want one day– just one of feeling like a normal person.

And if I’m coming forward and being completely vulnerable some days I don’t even want to wake up. I feel like I’m a paper clip stuck between two magnets that have been rolled in graphite. So even if by the grace of God I get an ounce a bit of space the graphite comes flooding in and fills that space before I get a chance to move. I feel like I’m trapped in a never ending maze of wanting to be pretty. I just want to find the exit to the maze.

But everyday I try to remind myself that even the most beautiful flowers come from a seed in the dirt.

Because;

Even on cloudy days, flowers still bloom.